Today we bury our son Isaac.
After all our prayers, petitions, campaigns, tears, and heartache. We have to endure more. There is a war in my soul...belief vs. unbelief, faith vs. doubt, love vs. anger. And I can't help but choose belief, faith, and love. Belief that through all of this terrible experience, God is in control somehow. Faith that God still loves us and cares for us, even though life sucks right now. We can't help but see the love God has for us through this incredibly painful process. We could have easily chosen to stop believing in a God that allows such sickness and pain to exist. We could have easily lost faith when our son's heart stopped beating. We could have easily chosen to be angry at the world and hate God for what He "did" to us. But, we couldn't possibly make that choice. And here is why.
We believe God is in complete control because of the timing of Isaac's passing. We weren't even ready to tell you all about Isaac until last week. We had just gotten to the point of full acceptance and pride in our son. We had just gotten to the point of accepting that even though we had a son with trisomy 13 God was in control of that situation. I just started talking to God again, thanking Him for my son, and acknowledging how Isaac was already a miracle. If Isaac had passed a week or two earlier my belief might have died with him.
We believe God is in complete control because Isaac was spared. He was spared the pain and discomfort of the life he would have lived...seeing people look at him with disgust, or confusion because of his deformities. He will never know his unimaginably lower physical and mental limitations. He will only know the warmth of the womb and the light of heaven.
We have faith that God is good, because of how everything happened. Last week we asked for financial help and in 2 days we had everything we might ever need and more!! That money was available to me the day we needed to pay for the funeral. We prayed before we went into the hospital (feeling like there was something wrong), asking God for help with a stubborn public hospital that has too many rules. The hospital staff let me stay with Jonesà all day for 2 days, while the rules state that I can only visit from 4pm to 5:30pm Monday through Friday! They let us choose between a C-section and natural birth, while the rules state that C-sections are an emergency option only. They went out of their way to provide a private room for labor, though there are no private rooms at public hospitals. They gave us the option of an epidural for the labor, though the rules state that epidurals are to be used for surgeries only. We prayed and told Isaac on separate occasions that he was free to leave this world when he wanted. He "waited" until we were ready to handle it, physically, mentally and spiritually.
We choose to see love instead of being angry, because of all of you! We are overwhelmed by the amount of love and support shown by all of our family, friends, and acquaintances!! There are no words to tell you how much love we feel from all of you! The notes, messages, phone calls, kind words, and help we have received are truly amazing. Thank you! Thank you for helping! Thank you for loving! Thank you for praying!!
Now we rest on the promise that there is a heaven. In that heaven there will not be tears. If that is true then this also is true. We will see Isaac in heaven. If the promise of heaven is true, then the promise of no sickness in heaven is also true. That means that we will play, run, skip, laugh, hug, tickle, and kiss Isaac!! And he will see, hear, talk, walk, run, play, laugh, hug and kiss us!!
Isaac came into this world a blessing! He has left this world blessed! He came into this world our hope and prayer for a son. He leaves this world Isaac David Butz Guzman!!
